I just wrote a post titled ‘Positively Jane’s Year in Review’.  That post explains how Positively Jane arrived on the scene. Why did Positively Jane begin, where it has been for the past year, and where is it going…maybe 🙂

As I was thinking about that post, I thought you might like to know who I am….really?  Now, this is really a hard question for me to answer, because there are so many phases of me.  I have evolved into who I am today…..with so many detours, potholes, and mistakes along the way it isn’t even funny. And totally mind boggling.  I love full disclosure…..but, in the interest of not embarrassing anyone besides myself, I will need to be discreet 🙂

So, let’s begin:

• I am the oldest of 4. The bossiest one.  Not quite the loudest one (although some might disagree). 
  
• We moved a lot when I was growing up – about every 2 years I think. With all of that moving 1 of 2 things could have happened: 
  • #1 – I could have become very shy, withdrawn and insecure.
  • #2 – I could have been pushed my way into a circle of people and become so loud so that I was noticed.  I chose #2 (unconsciously). It was either fight or flight I think.
    
• All of that moving created an independent person.  I seemed to never be afraid. I took many risks. Looking back, I feel that I grew up without a lot of rules and guidelines.  I also lived in the era of bra burning, pot smoking and women’s rights – basically NO rules… ever. Isn’t that every person’s dream? No rules and doing their own thing? (What about you?)
  
• When I was in college it was either money for bus fare or cigarettes. I chose the cigs and then I hitch hiked everywhere. I can’t even tell you how many cars I jumped out of! 
  
• Sometimes I think back and wonder why I am not dead on the side of the road. Not just during my college years but ALL my years!
  • What about that morning I woke up, after going to some bars with friends the night before, and realizing that the car we drove home in was totally wrecked….but we had no recollection of what happened?
  • What about the time my roommate and I met a man who picked us up hitch hiking one day after class? He also picked us up the next morning and off we went with him to have our pictures taken…. in the woods (we call him cameraman). He did take some great pics – but we certainly could have been on the ‘missing’ list forever.
  • What about the time I drove home at 2AM with one eye closed the whole way – otherwise I saw not only 1, but about 4 lines in the middle of the road?
    
• When I got married my husband’s 2 children came to live with us. I was 26 and totally unprepared to be a mom. It was rough for me. And, I am sure rough for every one else. I sometimes felt Iike I should be on Oprah. Life seemed to be one disaster after another with no end in sight.
  
• At the age of 35 I decided I wanted a baby. God gave me 2 amazing babies (not at the same time thankfully). I gained so much weight with each pregnancy and it has been a constant struggle to keep it off. I have tried everything to not only lose the weight, (which I did many times), but to maintain it. It’s the maintaining that is hard. Don’t you agree?
  
• I have been crafting since I was 7. My mom taught me how to knit and sew. I knit clothes for my Barbies. I then moved to sewing (and designing) ALL my own clothes. I know how to crochet, make jewelry from silver sheets, make beads, string beads, hook a rug, needlepoint, cross stitch and my current love…..all things paper (just to name a few). My crafting keeps me sane. And, it is definitely cheaper than therapy or a bottle of scotch!
  
• My laugh is crazy and I tend to laugh a lot. Actually, I am known for my laugh. I am not sure that is a good thing or a bad thing… but it does not really matter…. I will definitely continue to laugh, Kinda like the Mary Poppins song ‘I love to laugh…..long and long and clear. I love to laugh….it’s getting worse every year’.
  
• I could go on and on….and maybe I will at another time. In the meantime –

Why am I telling you all of this? 

Because, as I mentioned, I was very independent.  No one could tell me what to do. I knew it all. I had opinions about things I knew nothing about (does that happen to you too?) I wore what I wanted with no thought to what others thought.  I said what I wanted with no thought to how others felt. I drank. Smoked. Partied. Thought I was living my life to the fullest. I thought I was having fun. I thought I had a bunch of friends. Does any of this resonate with you?

I (unconsciously) looked at what was around me.  Society. Attitudes. People who had more money than me (never people who had less).  Fancy cars. Decorated houses. Private schools. Decorators. Cleaning ladies. Believe it or not, I remember that commercials were a major influence in my life. Not like ‘buy the car, get the girl’ but more like furniture and decorating commercials. I WANTED.IT.ALL. At the time I had NO idea that I was in this trap of things. This trap of me. This trap of selfishness. If I gave it any thought (which I did not) I would have said….

’this is the way to do this thing called life’.

I was the mom of 2 step-children and 2 biological children.  A husband who travelled 5 days a week. A household to run. Overweight. I was frustrated. Angry. Irritated. And just plain tired of the whole struggle.  Looking back I am wondering if I had any idea that it was an empty life or if it was even a struggle – I don’t think I did…. I am just not sure.

At one point, at about the age of 48, I thought that if I had a million dollars ALL of my problems would go away.  So I went to work to earn my millions. Little did I know that the lack of money was not the problem – the problem was inside of me in a deeper way. I had a longing in me that had nothing to do with anything this earth could fulfill. A longing in me that was put there by God. It was during that time I literally bumped heads with Jesus… hard

Now, I knew that Jesus existed and that he was the son of God. 

But, seriously, who really cared. Certainly not me. I didn’t need Jesus. And read the Bible? What was the point of that? It was a book that was over 2000 years old (and put together by men) and I was a 20th Century girl……thank you very much.

But, for some crazy unknown reason, I felt this pull to learn more.  Know more. Figure out more.

And I remember at one point during the learning and the listening process thinking… maybe there is a better way. Maybe I don’t have to live this way.  Maybe I don’t have to strive or pretend anymore. Maybe there are rules out there that I can adhere to. Rules that don’t bend and change with the wind depending on culture, society and the opinions of others.

I had crazy questions for the people that I met.  Here are a few?

1. What is the point of becoming a Christian if I am still going to be a sinner?
2. And, who said I was a sinner anyway? – I never killed anyone did I? 
3. Will God then tell me that I have to move to Africa or Ethiopia?  – cause that was NOT happening!
4. Tithing? Huh! No way was I giving my money away and living in a commune.
5. Why are there so many Joseph’s in the Bible?  It was way too confusing.
6. What did ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life’ really mean?
7. Born again?  What in the heck was that?!
8. Holy Ghost? No way!
9. How can there be 3 in 1?
10. Why follow a God who lets all this bad stuff happen?
11. Why do I even want to be like all those other ‘Christians’ out there – they are no different than me.  What was the point?
12. Jonah and the whale, the flood, the Garden of Eden…..all of that was make believe – right? Kinda like Pandora’s Box.
13. What about the dinosaurs?

Have you ever had those questions?  Or other similar?

I listened to women who had gone through major life shattering changes and came out on the other side calm and peaceful – unlike anything I had ever seen before.

Women who worried less.

Women who trusted more.

Women who loved more.

Women who forgave quickly.

Women who saw things through eyes that were totally different than mine.

Women who didn’t have it ‘all together’ but knew where their value and worth came from.

Women who knew where to find the answers to most of their questions.

Women who leaned into others for support and were willing to admit that they needed help.

And then I found out something really interesting and amazing.

I realized that I WANTED what those women had.  I wanted to feel Valued. Loved. Worthy.  I wanted my answers to be straight, true, and never changing. And, I also realized that none of my questions really mattered. 

There is no way I can explain to you (on paper) the change.  The complete and total turnaround of my life

The 180º difference. 

• The difference in the way I raised my children. 
• The difference in my marriage.
• The difference in my handling of money.
• The difference in my self worth and what I saw in the mirror every day.
• The difference in my forgiveness.
• The difference in how I viewed others.
• The differences piled up and piled up and piled up until one day I realized that I was literally ‘born again’.  I had a chance to do it better and get it right. I was so dang excited!

I also realized that it did not matter that I had 50 years of ‘mistakes’ under my belt.   I was definitely a sinner in need of a savior. Those mistakes (aka sins) were forgiven at the cross.  And, get this – I found out that not only were my past sins forgiven BUT my present and future as well. Well holy moly!

So, who is Jane…really.

Jane is a combination of her past life, with all of her baggage and mistakes, PLUS the holiness of God with His grace and forgiveness. She is worthy. She is loved. She is forgiven. She is redeemed. She is valued.

She is a child of God.

She is a princess.

I am a different person now than I was before.  Not just different because I am older. I am different because I now look through a new AND clear pair of glasses.  My lens has shifted from my thoughts to God’s thoughts…. And now to YOU!

I write blog posts, for you, from the depths of who I am now and who I was before.  I have looked in the mirror and either didn’t like what I saw or chose to ignore what I saw.  I now KNOW for a fact that God loves me. He created me. He knew me before I was born. And I totally believe that – I AM chosen. I AM loved. I AM worthy. I AM valued. I AM enough. I AM exactly as I am supposed to be. I AM who He says I am.

Wouldn’t you like to know that too?

Here are the lyrics of one of my most favorite songs (by Hillsong United) –

Who am I that the highest King
Would welcome me?
I was lost but He brought me in
Oh His love for me
Oh His love for me

Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I'm a child of God
Yes I am

Free at last, He has ransomed me
His grace runs deep
While I was a slave to sin
Jesus died for me
Yes He died for me

Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I'm a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father's house
There's a place for me
I'm a child of God
Yes I am

I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am

I want to shout it from the roof tops….

I am who you say I AM!

And, in case you want to listen to it (because it is so dang beautiful) – here it is.

Thanks so much for reading to the bottom of this post. Thanks for hanging out with me. I am so looking forward to my 2nd year of ‘Positively Jane’.

I declare victory over all.the.things. I am an overcomer…no longer a victim. I am living a victorious life. Wouldn’t you like to live In victory too?

PS – The MANY faces of me….

Fun Fact:

I fell off of a dune buggy that was cruising the shore line of the ocean. I was fully clothed….including my ‘to the knee’ cowboy boots. I fell asleep with those clothes (and boots) on and, when I woke up I realized that those boots had shrunk. I could NOT get them off. So, I had to go to the hospital and get them cut off with a cast saw. Only me!