This morning, like just now, I became overwhelmed with a sense of sadness, anger and just plain old irritation & frustration. It took me a few minutes to even process what I was feeling, why I was feeling all that, and what the triggers were.
Trigger #1 – I had a frustrating day yesterday. Our email stopped on ALL of our devices. I would fix one and then the other device would quit. I spent about 6 hours on this whole thing…to no avail. I woke up this morning and knew I had to start again. And don't really know what to do.
Trigger #2 – I got up early to go to the grocery store on ‘Senior Citizens’ morning. The entrance was barricaded with a one way in and out. They used carts, pallets, string…whatever was on hand to direct me to where they wanted me to go.
Trigger #3 – Everyone had on a mask. Now, a mask is not a trigger normally, but today I felt like I was in a tomb. NO one ever talks and you can't tell if someone is smiling or not. I also felt like had ‘cooties’. If I got within 4’ of someone I would get a look or they would stop and give we a W…I…D…E berth.
Trigger #4 – We were supposed to go to Italy next week for our 40th anniversary. The trip of a lifetime. My husband has a bad hip and back and I am unsure if we can go next year.
Trigger #5 – No one will visit us on Mother’s Day because they love us too much to risk getting us sick.
Trigger #6 – My daughter and her husband were supposed to come next week for a week. Now it is cancelled.
I sat in the Publix parking lot, texted my kids, and then just cried. Does this happen to you? (the crying part – not the parking lot part 🙂
So, today, I felt like I was living in a communist country. Where my freedoms are being limited by dictators. Where I am being told where I need to walk, what I need to wear, and when I can go out. I felt oppressed, lonely and just plain sad. And I felt Coronavirus fear.
I totally understand why the precautions are in place. I am grateful for them. Really I am. I just wonder…how much longer? Do you wonder that too? Will it be in 2 weeks? June? July? Someone recently told me that they heard 2 years. 2 years!! I could be dead from something else by then.
My mind says….why are security guards being shot when asking people to wear a mask? Why are some people so defiant about wearing a mask? Why do we even need to wear a mask when we are told they do.not.help.at.all?
Now, if you know me at all, you know I am a BIG-TIME follower of Jesus. My trust in Him and in His Father has no limit. I lean in real close so that I am not afraid. I am still leaning in….always.
So today, I came home, washed my hands, unpacked my groceries, sprayed Lysol on every surface and looked up ‘fear’ in the Bible – how to overcome fear.
I was then reminded of what James said ‘ Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'
What? Joy and trials do not go hand in hand. Do they? Or maybe…just maybe….I need to figure out what the trial really is. Is it the barricades, masks, or loneliness? Or is it fear…of death. Or fear of not seeing my family? Or fear of never going out? Or fear of being told what to do or not to do? Because ALL trials stem from fear. If we were not afraid…it would not be a trial.
As Nebuchadnezzar figured out, we recover our sanity when we lift our eyes to heaven. We’re back in line with reality. We’re not in charge, and never have been. We can’t create or save ourselves. We can't control the virus, shootings in the mall or schools, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes or…anything.
We can only control….ourselves. Our reactions to things. How we live and how we treat others.
Do I feel better right now? I do. I still want to know….when. But, I need to trust that God has my back. Because if He is for me, who can be against me. God has it under control. I just need to persevere so I can be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I hope your day is going better than mine started….I am back on track and ready to tackle those darn email accounts!